when i was 10 i saw a wordless skit performed by a high school youth group that depicted man's creation, fall, and redemption. i was struck by the beautiful idea of a God who loved us to the point of death and for the first time that i can remember, i cried as a result of something resonating in my spirit.
this idea of love captured my mind and my emotions, but it failed to capture my heart, and as a result, my life. i understood grace but had a deeper and rawer understanding of scrutiny and consequence. i had an adolescent boy's typical issues with self-worth, the perception of others, a desire to be accepted (often at the expense of others), which many times manifested in bad behavior, which resulted in the disappointment and rejection of others, which resulted in shame, which resulted in more bad behavior.
above this cycle, the concept of God loving us even when we behave badly - of loving us so much that all the bad behavior everyone could ever do only caused Him to reach out and give humanity the greatest hug possible through Jesus - floated in a disconnected vacuum in my outlook on life.
in the decades since then, God has continuously prodded and poked at this vacuum to let the life-revolutionizing nature of His love flood outwards and into my relationship with Him and others around me. but it's a process, and a journey, and often a cycle, and sometimes i find myself cowering needlessly, waiting to be squished by the full weight of His disapproval.
and now, as i've become a father myself and have been thinking about how my relationship with karis will develop as she grows, i've realized that it is amazingly, suffocatingly important to me that she will always know that i love her NO MATTER WHAT, and that her unawareness of this would be more painful to me than any behavior or action she could do herself.
and so i wonder if the message of grace can be explained by what affects God's heart more - when i disobey Him, or when i fail to recognize that He loves me even after/despite/regardless of my disobedience?
tomorrow is easter and yesterday was good friday. yesterday, after being nailed to the cross, Jesus implored God to have mercy on the people tormenting him, to 'forgive them for they know not what they do.' yesterday, Jesus proclaimed that His heart was for God to pour out His love and mercy on us instead of letting us spiral downwards in a cycle of consequence, guilt, and shame.
tomorrow, God makes it happen.
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