[warning: not much Christmas cheer found in the following]

i just re-read the first batch of posts i wrote on this blogspot, which i started keeping about four years ago. it felt like reading somebody else's journal, i was pretty surprised at my thought processes back then, and to tell the truth, i kind of miss it. to be sure, i was caught up in some kind of self-parameterized world in which i couldn't seem to let myself be happy, but at least i wanted something better, i wanted to BE better.

this semester was a weird one. it was probably the loneliest i've ever felt in my life, which i thought at first was due to standard causes: readjusting from china, living by myself, not having the energy to make a new set of friends. as the semester went on, however, i came to realize that the real reasons were deeper, and that living in spiritual isolation for two years in china had caused my heart to harden in subtle ways and worsened certain character deficiencies that i was just beginning to notice. i didn't seem to care about the people i was just getting to know, and getting/staying in touch with old friends seemed like some kind of burden. i don't know why or when i started to feel like that, but it totally, completely, absolutely sucks. aren't people supposed to become less self-absorbed as they get older? at least a few years ago, thinking about myself seemed to lead to a healthier place.

i'm not sure where i'm trying to go here. to explain further, here's part of an email to joyce, from a couple weeks ago:

this semester feels like i've been tempted by and struggled with every kind of sin at once, with pride, lust, apathy, self-centeredness, quick-temperedness, lack of self-discipline, laziness. it's been incredibly frustrating, because at the bottom of it i really really just want this purity and simplicity that's eluding me. and then i trudge to campus with a dark and heavy and lifeless heart, unable to force smiles or cheeriness. and this leaves a bad mark on everybody i come across, christian or nonchristian.

and you know what? in some ways, this semester is probably the closest i've felt to God in several years. when i pray with the members of my bible studies, it's done in completely earnest and un-selfconscious supplication and thanksgiving. when i read the bible, sometimes the words feel so much juicier and more full of life than they have in such a long time. so why can't i have joy and peace?? why can't i keep reading, and praying, and living what i know? and how is it mentally and emotionally possible for me to share the deepest part of my spirit and soul with someone through praying together, and revert to feeling like a stranger when our eyes open?

i truly believe that God is the most amazing and the most solid foundation possible that draws together all sorts of unlikely people and makes them brothers and sisters. it's true, i believe it, and i feel it. so why then do i feel like i'm existing in isolation?

***

i can't figure out my inconsistencies. are they the exception or the rule? regardless, things just aren't adding up, and it's driving me crazy. after the few paragraphs above, i went on to ramble about 'the deepest thirsts of my soul', but i'm not so sure i can apply that label in good conscience. if wanting to connect with people and learn how to love were really the goals of my life, why do i spend so little of my time on actually trying to achieve them? if i really want to serve and reach the people of china, why am i so reluctant to use my spare time to read and learn more about them? ok that kinda came out of nowhere, but it's along the same lines.

i feel my life being sucked down into banalities and lethargy, hard-heartedness and emotionalism, and i hate it. it makes me wish that the simple command of seeking first the kingdom of God wasn't so difficult (for me) to follow.


***Postscript***

these were the first few lines of joyce's response to my email:

christians are the only people in the world who can rant like this and NOT be drunk. we're special. listen, by the time you read this it will be daylight and you'll already have shrugged this off -- nevertheless i will attempt to comfort you.

haha...yeah. it's almost 6 am, time to sleep.