i think i'm feeling an identity crisis coming...maybe not crisis but lament. dammit, i wish i was more articulate, i wish i was the first to say the sweet and provocative phases that are so common now. (i think this is a side effect of post-modernity - the awareness of being aware - it's cheesy to say 'you look wonderful tonight' but it's not cheesy to say 'as eric clapton once said, you look wonderful tonight' or 'as tony bennett (or sinatra) once said, i love the way you look tonight' or 'as styx once said, we're just a bunch of men attracted to each other' - it's dangerous, because what happens when you aware yourself into paralysis? cycnicsm eats away at our originality and creativity. even this little side note was mostly borrowed from Umberto Eco (eco, eco, eco....=)). we can't ever be sincere or simple because we know too much and everything sounds rote coming out of our mouths.)

anywaaaays the two of you reading this are making me nervous! i haven't thought with purpose in awhile...not just with purpose, i mean with elevated purpose, as in the kind of thinking where right when you begin you know you're gonna feel a lot better later. it's weird, cause i've had too many changing mindsets. for example, in the summer i actually stayed up late at night reading ts eliot and letting Little Gidding sink into my imagination, and i haven't read anything since. freshman year i was all into becoming the best guitarist in the world and i don't even know how that phase died away, but i'm worse now than i used to be, which is kind of sad because i used to think 'i'm improving pretty fast, i wonder how good i'll be in three years or so' - of course in less bland and more snobby words. soph year i was into being a good christian, a typical asian college christian, if that makes sense - who knows everybody in all the fellowships, is respected and stuff. now i guess i realize that even spirituality and faith can be more of a hobby than an identity if you're not careful. i forgot to be as shrewd as a snake when it came to evil and i'm still trying to learn humility. i'm not a poet but i write poems, i'm not a musician but i play music..the thing is, i've been going through the post-modern mindset, buying into it more and more, becoming more self-aware until i'm too scared and cynical to assume anything.

this year i had what many people are horribly longing for, a committed very much in love relationship, which is still true. but even we fell into being post-modern, into being cynical and overly surfacey and analytical. it was hard because we were and are so close to breaking through that, to forgetting everything that's been fed into our minds and instincts and letting the relationship build from the ground up, no assumptions, hopes stronger than fears. it wears you down knowing that the other person is gonna examine every word out of your mouth, instead of trusting the words. i wish we could rattle off thoughts at each other nonstop, no inhibitions...i loved every moment spent with her, or maybe i should say 'this is gonna sound cheesy but i loved every moment with her', the joking, the hugs, smiles, sighs, questions, pauses, even insecurities. i could say something like 'well i'm touched cause the fact that she's insecure means she thinks that much more highly of my opinion than other peoples' but that's not the truth. i really can't find much objective good in insecurities, just that they're part of her, so i embrace them. now the question is, how much of this am i writing for myself, how much for people to read, and how much for her to read? i'm gonna try not to think about that, but this is for you, i love you juney...you taught me a lot about the characteristics of real, irrational love. i don't care how unoriginal or cheesy i sound, i'm pretending i'd never heard these phrases before and i'm the first person to ever say them, to ever feel them enough to express. alrite...back to stat homework. sorry i ranted so much on post-modernity, i don't think i understand it that well, so you can kinda ignore what i said...aha! it creeps out again. ok, thank you and good night.

quote 4 from the BHOT:

pete: it was one of those things that looked good from a distance but got uglier and uglier as i got closer
jesse: you mean like the singer from the cranberries?

quote 3 from the BHOT:

steve: ...i'm not a mormon...
janet: steve, mormons can't eat beef
steve: yes we can

wow, that post written on 1/29 was really long with too many big words and not very fun to read at all. everyone in this room is now dumber for having read it. =)

i had a weird dream about the author of the book A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius last night...he had written a mini-journal of the first 20 years of his life and i was going through the highlights in fast-forward. everytime something weird would happen, this random guy would pop up and together him and the author would lose an eyeball and it'd be rolling around on the floor but their sockets would regrow them, so by the time i woke up they had each lost six eyeballs.

quote 2 from the BHOT (an old one):

korean girls, to jesse: tee hee!
jesse, to the korean girls: jesse scores points with the korean girls! aww yeah!
pete, in the background: *shakes head in disbelief*

quote 1 from the Black Hole of Time:

steve: i can't hear anything
janet: why are you putting in ear plugs while talking to people?
steve: ...cause it's fun