pushing off a paper and reaching into the newly constructed vault of Precious Things...a recent set of thoughts, expressed to e. maybe this will clarify the lack of april cruelty.

*****

=)

the age we live in requires us to nod in the direction of junior high and high school because it feels unreal that we're floating higher and higher but it's good, i think...it is a circle back to what first love was like, except incomparably deeper and more resonant because it breaks through scales of cynicism that have hardened over certain parts of our hearts through our experiences before we met each other...before you were dropped into my life...and emerges purer because of it, like a column of light racing towards heaven that is fully aware of the dinginess it burst out of, and made more beautiful by this consciousness. i'm going to try to write this entire email without using the backspace, to send you my unadulterated thinking, and also to save time, though i'd much rather be spending all night corresponding with you in some way, through email since you're sleeping now. though i used the backspace in the first part, in that long run on sentence...tried to paint a picture of how i look at the light that is expanding in the space between me and you, though i don't know how clear i'm being, or how much of pretentiousness i'm avoiding. but it's a beautiful thing. sometimes, usually when i go pee, i think about if i should be expressing things like this, and or even feeling things like this to express, and then i think that i'm not purposefully searching for things to express or grasping at things to say to you to try to make your heart beat faster, which i hope it does though, because i want to have that effect on you because you make mine beat faster and my breath catches in my throat when i even start thinking of you, like now. then when i flush the toilet i wonder how long it will last like this, and then i decide not to worry about it...going only au natural isn't the wisest thing, but there has to be a balance between regulation and natural progression, and we removed the emotional barrier of expression after you were here a few weeks ago. though that was a conscious choice...even so, i haven't been like this before, with anyone else, this sense of falling in love with my eyes wide open...i haven't felt like i wanted to endlessly find new ways to talk about you and think about you and the role you've come to assume in my life. i feel free, and liberated, and guilt-free, without the need to justify myself to you, or to myself, or to examine every action through every possible lens of motivation. i couldn't claim a divine green light in releasing the floodgates of connection between souls and allowing things to snowball between us like they have and gather momentum exponentially, but in this sense it is almost does feel like it's back to first love, and i feel no hesitation to be swept away in the tide that brings us closer and closer together, except now i have binoculars and can see far into the distance, both behind us and in front of us, and maybe that will help to navigate through things that come up, and we have oars of experience and learned humility and that will also help us steer into the future, and it feels almost like i've gone through the experiences that i have in order to be able to see you honestly and fully and appreciate you without reservation and think of you without placing myself at the center of my reference point...a (brief) lifetime spent learning and failing to love, so that i can show love to you, and strive to do so to greater extents when i do fail. i have to confess, i used the backspace a bunch of times in this paragraph, but it was still an unbroken chain of thought that came out, untailored and unrefined, unlike how i usually write to you in emails. i'm in a mood where everything feels like poetry, and everything is a different aspect or manifestation of our light. and this light seems to be expanding and expanding in my chest, till i'm dying of wanting to be next to you again, and breathe your oxygen into my lungs to make them function. i’m very deeply in love with you, and i miss you.

*****