quote number n + 1 from the BHOT:

jesse: i really really have to take a dump
pete: lemme pee first
jesse: just pee through my legs!

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ok maybe i switched the names

quote number n from the BHOT:

jesse: whatcha doing?
pete: i'm cooking dumplings and chinese vegetables
jesse: ooh cook me some of that BOY CHOY...i mean bok choy!!
jesse: ...i'm not gay

oooh...

april is the cruelest month, breeding
lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
memory and desire, stirring
dull roots with spring rain.

i only get to quote that 1/12 of the year, what a shame. well i guess i could change the month name, but it wouldn't really make sense.

so i had a quote 'but for the grace of love, who would remain at all' that i thought was from a smashing pumpkins song, but one day i looked it up and the actual lyrics are 'but for the grace of love, i'd will from heaven above'...too bad, i liked to think that billy corgan would say something like my version. guess what, i'm doing stat homework =O

heard around our apartment:

'COME ON WEBBER! SHOW US YOUR BALLS!!'

dude i'm getting rocked in my ncaa tourney pool. i'm 19th out of 20, behind a bunch of freshmen, two girls, and one girl who's a freshmen! not that girls don't know anything about college basketball, except that one of the girls once asked 'do you get four points for shooting from the other team's side?' and it's just embarrassing to be behind freshmen.

anyways, i still don't know what to do this summer or with my life. but it doesn't matter anymore since me mitch and robo are driving up to seattle during spring break to become rock stars. is it just me or do some eighties rock songs, the happy sounding ones, make you feel like you're in an open cathedral filled with heavenly light? like some old dreamtheater stuff is like that...walking the line between cheesy and transcendent.

why is this song so sad? it makes me want to cry...

I never knew, I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss...

Those are happy lyrics! Why isn't this song happy?? Argh, it's such a good sad bittersweet melody they should have made it a sad song of lament and not a love song. I'm needing a new good tragic song right now....

i think i realized something about prayer and what it is to me, and maybe Christianity in general. i think to me, a good prayer life is something that is constantly new and original, i guess saying something in a way that i haven't said before. but then that's not the purpose of prayer, to create new mantras as if to access God. the Lord's prayer is so simple, it says nothing about the specifics of life. right after the Lord's prayer Jesus says if we don't forgive sins against us, God won't forgive our sins. i guess his point is that prayer is more for God to change our hearts. i dunno, i haven't figured this thing out yet. i can't just sit there and talk and talk and say things for an hour without feeling like i'm talking to myself or letting my mouth go on autopilot - as if the quicker words come out of my mouth, the more my heart is into it when actually it's the less my brain is into it, and i can't sit there and try to concentrate on God and empty my mind of distractions without falling asleep. i don't know...i'm tired. what should i do with my life?

i think i've been reading too many of those modern, stick it in your head with one short burst kinds of writers lately. i noticed i've been unconsciously ending posts with one sentence standing by itself, and i'm really not that good at meaningful non-cheesy one-liners. so i'm putting myself on ending-with-one-sentence probation for a few posts. boo to one sentences!

here's a poem i wrote sometime last year. it's called A Change, which is strange, because i feel now like i did before i wrote it...i'm gonna have to come up with better titles. if it sucks, i'm sorry. schuck it long, and schuck it hard...just kidding! time to go back to my stat homework, which i can't do even though i have the solutions right in front of me. i guess i should drop my lifelong dream of becoming a statistician and stick to daydreaming about playing on a mountain with all the people who've ever meant something to me, while listening to A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton...from the Legally Blonde soundtrack! have i thoroughly disgusted you with the state of my life at this moment yet? who am i talking to? is this blogspot for me or for you two? anyways, in my head, the mountain looks like a cross between the mountain-lake in the beginning of What Dreams May Come, north Berkeley (the view driving up Euclid...and the whole area is so homey), and the mountain in The Silver Chair which Jill and Eustace find themselves on by accident and Aslan blows them off. I think it's the change in the air that's doing this to me, making me think about all these trivial things...everytime it gets warm it reminds me of the other 20 times in my life that it's gotten warm. Yes, I forgot that this post is morbid. On to the morbidity!


A Change, that's more of a creepy disconnected sigh than a change

I lost an illusion today,
A hidden one I never knew
But still I knew when it was gone.

(I think I’m clashing)
Love with the Wholes
Weep to despair and affliction of souls
Dangle from an endless rope
Be stricken by dear-held hope.

(My life comes from my heart
And who I am. – I yearn,
I long for God and valor,
I trip my way through filth and squalor.)

I believe in always
Unchanging and eternal
I believe in promise
Blood of soul, hope’s kernel
I believe in once
Dreamt before, seen tomorrow
I believe in never
Firmly planted, seed of sorrow

(My life comes from my heart
But my heart lives in a shroud -
Scared of light but not quite blind,
Meekly poking at Truth’s mind.)

I believe in deception
Search the path ever above
I believe in obstinance
Clinging to unordained love
I believe in sadness
Fall from the road, whisper a prayer
I believe in broken hope
Float endlessly through empty air

(I wish, I wish I had their love
I wish I could believe what I know
Before I unravel. – Taken apart,
My head is much closer than my heart).

But then in silence comes the stir
A whispered cry to end the night
I find belief in all things right,
Noble and true, lovely and pure.
These things were set before my start
They come on wings, invade my heart.
I float down gently to the ground
Once frozen, now with few seeds sewn,
Seeds of love to kneel around;
My God has not forgot His own.


yeah that last verse seems out of place, but what do we have besides hope?

ok i had this dream last night where i was traveling around with a bunch of my friends and at one point we were at this mall and we were throwing this football thingy around, but when i caught it it turned out to be like a barely alive cat, not like limp or anything, it was like it was stuffed, very stiff, but everytime i caught it it would start scratching and attacking me. so one of my friends was like, we gotta do something about this cat, so he stuck it in a microwave to make sure it would be dead! and he was like, i've done this before, the minimum microwave time needed is 5 minutes and 30 seconds. and i was like, oh no what if it explodes! but then i thought, silly me, it's stuffed, of course it won't explode.

well, time to go get gered up to watch mothman prophecies.

get it?? gered!

i just noticed i misspelled 'integral' in the subheader...how embarrassing. and on valentine's day too, that's not very sexy. so what's the most romantic thing i ever did? well once in eighth grade i rode my bike five miles through the pouring rain to give this girl a big bouqet of flowers...wait that wasn't me, that was bing to jessica chao! ok...i used to have a big crush on this girl so i sent her a valentine saying 'as you probably already know, i have a crush on you'. wait...that was charles to joan! eh...once me and bing got lost on the way to menlo park mall and ended up listening to shania twain's still the one over forty times on repeat. or maybe it was when me and jesse changed the oil for my car and we spent the day exerting ourselves half-naked with chests glistening. ok i just remembered that i told my parents about this web site. well...once me and juney drove down to monterey in the middle of the night and spent the next day rollerblading on the boardwalk and climbing up and down cliffs overlooking the pacific and driving along this incredibly gorgeous highway...

romantic sentiments always make me nostalgic for the more halcyon =O and carefree days of my childhood, which really have nothing to do with romanticism. like riding my bike through a park forest with my family or meeting lots of new friends at a summer camp in the middle of nowhere (ok it was piano camp. PIANO camp! ...in KANSAS! i don't care, i loved it.) or playing around in someone's backyard with my friends after dark. or any of the trips i went on with my family, driving up pikes peak and mount evans in colorado, or visiting the redwood forests in oregon, or the canyons in utah, or the blueberry mountains in maine, or the beaches in north carolina...i acted like a bored snobby little kid on those trips but i loved them, mom and dad, they are my favorite memories in the world and i dream about beautiful places all the time...my first memory ever is driving along this amazingly blue ocean in hawaii when i was two years old. maybe this is why i love nature so much...anyways, those were the most special times in my life.

i'll leave you with the words of one of the greatest love songs ever:

I was alone, I never knew...what good love could do
Then we touched, then we sang...about the loving things!
Long night, all night, oh every night
So hold tight, hold tight, oh baby hold tight!
Anyway you want it, that's the way you need it, anyway you want it!

That's the way i want it...